It has been a while since I’ve taken the time to consider my thoughts. Perhaps that is because things have been decent or perhaps it’s because I have been hiding behind any semblance of normalcy for the last few months. Either way, tonight I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Tonight I don’t even want to be around me, but I can’t escape myself! Oh how I wish I could escape myself from time to time. Hibernation or just curling up into a hole sound… wonderful! But, here I am; reminded of how I felt pretty good for a while, at least good enough to get in tough workouts and fake a smile when necessary. Not today. Hell, not this week! This week I am once again reminded that I am no longer who I am! Who am I? I feel like Alice, and if I could find the rabbit hole, I’d jump in without hesitation. Today I remember my friend who told me “the Thyroid is the window to your soul”. I don’t which is gone, my soul or the window which allowed me and others to see …me!
A week and a half ago I had an appointment to have blood drawn for thyroid hormone levels. I’ve been on 6 grains of Armour for a few months and my ability to “fake it till you make it”, had drastically improved. The morning of the blood draw, I had to skip my morning hormones, a fasting draw. I typically take my hormones at 4 am, an hour removed from my morning coffee. The next dose comes at 9am, followed by a final dose at 2pm. With an appointment at 8:30 am, I was nearly 18 hours removed from hormones. The pit I fell into that day was shocking, even by my recent low standards. I was a complete wreck! The next day improved and slowly things got better. This week, I had my first post op appointment with Duick. The ultrasound looked good, just a slight lymph tissue growth. He assured me he was not worried. And then we looked at the blood work. I really thought I’d been doing well, but it turns out I am still not absorbing what I should be, considering my large dose. Duick said he was bombing me and expected my numbers to be too high. Once agin, I’m an anomaly. We reviewed my dosing and decided I need to change it up a bit. I have to take my meds on an empty stomach, 2 hours before or after any food. Rather than 3 doses daily, I will be taking 2 larger doses daily. No greater joy than changing the alarm from 4am to 3 am. When 10am rolls around, my typical snack time, I have to take my second large dose of Armour and no food until noon. I cannot explain how much I love my mid-morning snack, but alas, no more. No more calcium supplements and a test for celiac in the works. On a good note, Duick was actually friendly and concerned at my appointment. He even drew me a picture of the 18 inches of small intestines where thyroid was absorbed. We ended the appointment with pleasant concern. Duick says, “Kiddo, I’m not sure why you are not absorbing this. Switch it up as we discussed and get fasting blood work in 3 to 4 weeks”. Now, I wait!
Once again I am reminded of the changes this has brought into my life. My naval dreams gone. Hormone replacement and management for the rest of my life. As for sleep; I love to get up early, but 3am is a bit much. I’ve gone plant-based in an effort to lose a few pounds and now I may have to give up gluten too. I can’t deny I feel great and have lost a few pounds but the additional restrictions are weighing down on me. Cancer and the loss of my Thyroid have not failed to complicate and restrict my life lately. I’m told to take it head on and just accept the changes. Whatever! I struggle to share my feelings as I do not know anyone who can truly relate to what I’m dealing with. Obviously I know others who have cancer and others who have thyroid issues, but these individuals are scarce and they are not me. At least not the enigma that I am today.
What never fails to depress me is how I am truly unable to pull myself out of a rut. I was known for my resilience, my tough sense of self, and my independence. Now, I’m turning into some sort of depressed loser! I don’t know any other way to describe myself on days like today. I don’t want to describe myself because the description is not me. It’s not me!! I don’t know who the hell it is, but it is NOT ME!
God, I want me back. I am begging for the fun-loving, resilient, independent woman who got up early on Sat morning to ride 50 miles. The woman who couldn’t wait to get out of the house and explore. The woman who could spend all day laughing over wine with friends. Where am I ? Where the hell am I? It is 8:30 on a Friday night and I’m in bed, by myself, writing about hibernating in a hole. Funny thing, I think I am already in a hole. I have fallen into a hole surrounded by the pain and loss suffered this year. God, I pray for the strength to crawl out!